Surviving Christmas as a Couple

The festive season is often portrayed as a time of joy, connection, and celebration, yet for many individuals and couples this time of year can feel surprisingly overwhelming. As Shahn and I recently discussed with Kate Mason on her Parenting and Personality Podcast, December tends to bring a unique mix of pressure, expectation, and emotional complexity, and it’s worth understanding why.

Christmas carries a powerful cultural narrative of family, love, and togetherness. But the reality for many people is far more complicated. Even in families that function well most of the year, old hurts and unresolved tension have a way of resurfacing the moment everyone gathers. Some people are navigating estrangement, grief, divorce, or complicated blended-family arrangements. Others find that spending time with in-laws or extended family brings out discomfort, friction, or awkwardness. Add to this the memory of past conflicts (the comment made about your partner, the old argument about money, or the long-standing difference in values) and the emotional load of the season becomes heavier than expected.

Then there is the simple fact that family dynamics multiply as more people enter the room. Every extra person introduces another history, another personality, another expectation. The more dynamics there are, the more opportunities there are for misunderstandings, discomfort, and emotional triggers. Most of us also regress into our old family roles within a couple of days, falling back into the patterns we grew up with even when we have worked hard to grow beyond them. This is incredibly common and can leave people feeling confused about why they suddenly feel reactive, sensitive, or younger than they are.

Overlaying all of this is the exhaustion that often accompanies the end of the year. Many people enter December already stretched thin, burnt out, or emotionally depleted. With that comes less patience, less resilience, and a greater likelihood of disappointment when the long-awaited break doesn’t quite feel like the break we hoped for. All of this tends to be carried under a forced smile because Christmas is “supposed” to be joyful, which only adds further pressure.

Although these challenges are common, there are ways to approach the season that can make it gentler and far more manageable. One helpful starting point is to spend a little time preparing yourself emotionally before you enter these family environments. This doesn’t mean ruminating or anticipating the worst; instead, it involves acknowledging how you typically feel around your family and what kinds of situations tend to unsettle you. When you understand your patterns, you can nurture yourself through them with compassion. You might practise how to answer uncomfortable questions about your personal life, finances, or parenting choices, or think ahead about how you can step away momentarily if you begin feeling overwhelmed. Small moments of kindness toward yourself can make a meaningful difference.

It’s also important to be realistic. Things will not go perfectly, and old dynamics are almost guaranteed to show up. Trying to control everyone else is rarely successful and usually frustrating. What you can influence is how you respond: ideally calmly, kindly, and with a sense of grounding. Recognising the limits of your control can actually reduce stress and help you navigate difficult moments with far more ease.

Setting boundaries is another vital part of making the festive season healthier. Boundaries become much more effective when they are communicated clearly and with plenty of notice. Often people avoid speaking up because they worry about disappointing others, but avoidance tends to lead to even more tension. Being upfront, and acknowledging that your boundary may be uncomfortable for someone else,  allows for greater understanding and reduces the chance of misunderstanding. It doesn’t mean you need to change the boundary; it simply shows care for the relationship.

This is especially important for new couples or new parents who are beginning to reshape traditions. It is completely normal for festive traditions to evolve as families grow, and you are allowed to make decisions that suit your wellbeing. Letting family members know early gives them time to adjust. Some may resist or express disappointment, and that can stir feelings of guilt. But guilt does not mean you have done something wrong. Offering a simple, honest explanation, without over-justifying, and allowing others the space to have their feelings can help everyone transition more smoothly.

For couples, one of the most helpful things you can do is sit down together before the festive gatherings begin and talk about what Christmas means to each of you. Understanding one another’s expectations, hopes, and worries helps prevent misunderstandings and resentment later on. It’s wise to think together about what difficult dynamics you might encounter and how you can respond as your healthiest selves. Many couples find it useful to predict what might happen, practise their responses in advance, and agree on ways to support each other in the moment.

Throughout the season, keep checking in with each other. A quiet “How are you going?” or “Do you need a break?” can be incredibly regulating. Allow one another space to vent or decompress without trying to fix anything. If you can, make space for small moments of rest, a walk, a coffee run, or even reading for a few minutes. These small resets can prevent reactive moments from escalating.

It can also help to moderate alcohol intake. Enjoying a drink is part of many celebrations, but too much alcohol can quickly amplify tension, reduce inhibitions, and lead to regrettable moments, and a hangover can make family dynamics feel ten times harder.

Above all, try to treat each other with kindness. Remember that your relationship is more important than a single holiday or a single event. Offering each other patience and generosity, especially when the stress rises, can make the season not only survivable but surprisingly meaningful.

The goal of Christmas is not perfection. It’s connection, intention, and creating an environment where you and your partner feel supported, grounded, and able to enjoy the parts of the season that matter most. With preparation, boundaries, and compassion, both for yourselves and one another, the festive season can become far more manageable and even genuinely enjoyable.

To help you not just survive but genuinely enjoy the festive season together, here are our five top tips for couples:

• Talk openly before the celebrations begin about what Christmas means to each of you, including hopes, expectations, and any worries or sensitivities. This helps prevent disappointment and resentment later on.

• Anticipate tricky dynamics based on past experiences and discuss how you’d each like to respond from your healthiest selves. Support one another in holding boundaries and staying grounded.

• Make a loose but thoughtful plan about where you’ll go, how long you’ll stay, and how you’ll look after each other if things become overwhelming. Check in with one another if unexpected changes arise.

• Keep checking in throughout the season, even briefly. Ask how the other is going, whether they need a break, or if anything would help them feel more settled and supported.

• Be kind to each other. Remember that your relationship is more important than any individual event. Offer patience, flexibility, and understanding, especially when stress is high.

Wishing you a happy festive season, 

Helen