The Two Truths: A New Way to End Relationship Tug-of-War

Every couple has been there. Stuck in a never-ending argument that goes in circles. You both care deeply, but you want different things, and no matter how many times you talk, you can’t seem to find a way forward. It’s frustrating, exhausting, and often leaves you wondering: Are we even compatible anymore?

This stalemate is what we call the relationship tug-of-war. One partner digs in, the other resists, and both feel unheard. The result? Stuckness, resentment, and sometimes even thoughts of separation.

But what if the problem isn’t that one of you is right and the other is wrong? What if the real problem is the way you’re framing the conflict?

This is where the Two Truths exercise comes in, a tool designed to transform deadlock into deeper understanding, connection, and practical solutions.

Why conflicts feel impossible

On the surface, most conflicts sound like debates about practical issues:

• Should we spend more money on travel or save for the future?

• Whose family should we visit for Christmas?

• Should we get a dog?

But beneath the surface, what’s really happening is a clash of values and needs. One partner values security, the other adventure. One values routine, the other spontaneity. Both positions are valid. Both contain truth.

When we argue only about the surface issue, flights, money, schedules, we miss the deeper meaning. That’s why the argument feels endless: we’re not fighting about the same thing.

The philosophy behind the exercise

The Two Truths approach comes from the philosophy of dialectics, the idea that two seemingly opposing positions can both be true at the same time.

Instead of asking, Who’s right?, we ask, What truth is my partner holding, and what truth am I holding? When couples can see both truths side by side, the fight shifts from me vs. you into us vs. the problem.

How to do the two truths exercise

Here’s the step-by-step process you can try with your partner:

1. Identify the problem

Together, name the issue. Keep it specific. For example: Should we move overseas, or should we stay where we are?

2. Identify the two positions

State your position clearly: I want to move overseas. Your partner states theirs: I want to stay here.

3. Acknowledge the truths beneath each position

Here’s where the magic happens. Ask:

• Why does this matter to me?

• What value or need does this position represent?

For example:

• My truth is that I value adventure and growth, I feel stuck if I stay in one place.

• My partner’s truth is that they value security and stability, uncertainty makes them anxious.

Notice that neither truth is “wrong.” Both are valid, human needs.

Finding solutions through the two truths

Once you’ve uncovered both truths, the next step is deciding how to move forward. This is where couples often feel stuck, but the Two Truths framework offers two powerful paths: coming over and compromise.

Coming Over: Coming over means one partner moves to the position of the other. But they never give up their truth. It’s not about giving in or caving under pressure. It’s about choosing, freely and wholeheartedly, to come over to your partner’s position because you love them and value the relationship.

When you “come over,” it’s not a reluctant surrender. It’s an empowered choice. You decide: Although my truth matters and hasn’t changed, I can still accept your truth and come over to your position. I can live with that because our relationship matters more than this particular battle.

The secret for coming over to work is attitude. If you choose it with resentment or bitterness, it will backfire. If you choose it as a conscious act of love, it deepens intimacy.

Example: Imagine your partner wants a dog but you’d rather not. After seeing how important it is to them (their truth: companionship, joy, and family), you might come over to their side, embracing the dog as your family decision too, not something you were forced into.

Compromise: Compromise happens when both partners adjust their positions so you meet in the middle. Neither person gets 100% of what they want, but both get enough of what matters.

Example: If one partner dreams of living overseas and the other craves stability at home, a compromise might be to spend a year abroad with a plan to reassess later. One partner’s need for adventure is met, while the other’s need for security is respected through boundaries and timeframes.

Why these work

Both coming over and compromise require something deeper than negotiation: they require respecting the truth behind your partner’s position. Whether you join them fully (coming over) or meet somewhere in the middle (compromise), you are no longer opponents tugging on a rope, you’re partners solving a problem together.

Try it with your partner

If you and your partner are stuck in a tug-of-war, set aside some time to try the exercise. Write down:

• The problem.

• Your position and truth.

• Your partner’s position and truth.

• Potential solutions (coming over or compromise).

• The decision you commit to.

It won’t always be easy. Your ego may resist. You may desperately want to be “right.” But if you can hold space for both truths, you’ll discover a new way of moving forward, one that brings you closer rather than pushing you apart.

Shahn is a clinical psychologist and couples therapist and co-author of The 8 Love Links.