Sleep Divorce: Is It the Solution or Just a Symptom?

I was on a podcast this week talking about sleep divorce, and it sparked some great conversations, so I wanted to dive into it a little more here. If you missed it, you can also check out my TikTok where I unpack the topic in a quick, relatable way.

When it comes to relationships, sleep can be a significant yet quiet disrupter. And not just in the context of exhaustion or new parenthood. A popular concept is sleep divorce, the practice of sleeping in separate rooms to preserve sleep quality. It’s a term that can sound dramatic, but for many, it’s a practical response to a real problem.

Whether it's due to snoring, shift work, restless legs, or incompatible sleep styles, poor sleep can take a serious toll on a relationship. When we’re sleep-deprived, we’re more irritable, less patient, and more easily triggered. In that state, even minor disagreements can snowball. So it's easy to see the appeal of separate sleeping arrangements if they lead to better rest and by extension, a calmer, more connected relationship.

But before you start dragging your pillow to the guest room, it's worth considering: is your partner really the problem?

For some, sleep disturbances may be more about lifestyle than love life. If one or both of you are bringing your phone to bed, doom scrolling into the early hours, and sacrificing sleep for screen time, then sleeping separately won’t fix the core issue. In fact, it may just give you permission to deepen your relationship with your device instead of your partner. Other lifestyle factors that interrupt sleep quality include drinking alcohol (even just a little bit), not exercising enough during the day, working too much (and struggling to wind down) and the classic too much caffeine. Sleeping separately may allow partners to avoid talking to one another and generally addressing issues within the relationship. If you are excited to separate at bedtime, it might be worth considering if any of these factors are relevant to you. It might feel easier to part ways with your partner at night than to, say, address your alcohol consumption or tendency to overwork…

Even if you’re genuinely incompatible as sleep partners, it’s important not to lose sight of the emotional significance of sharing a bed. That space can be a vital touchpoint in a busy life, a place for pillow talk, cuddles, intimacy, or simply feeling your partner's warmth nearby. When couples sleep apart without building in other ways to connect, the emotional distance can quietly grow.

So, should you “sleep divorce”? Maybe. But only after having an open, respectful conversation about what’s really going on. Is this about sleep quality? Lifestyle habits? Emotional avoidance? Whatever the reason, the decision needs to be mutual, not a quiet retreat into separate routines.

If you do decide to sleep separately, I recommend setting up bedtime rituals that still allow for connection. Spend time winding down together, read, talk, snuggle, before parting ways for the night. And if you continue to share a bed, consider improving your sleep hygiene as a couple: no phones in bed, consistent sleep schedules, and even a snuggle when the lights go out.

Ultimately, a “sleep divorce” doesn’t have to mean emotional disconnection. But if you’re not careful, it can become a convenient way to avoid addressing deeper issues. Whether you snooze together or apart, make sure it’s a conscious choice that supports both your wellbeing and your relationship.

Shahn is a couples therapist and clinical psychologist and the co-author of The 8 Love Links.